The Holiday Season is upon us! Jingle bells ringing, lights a hanging, Whitney Houston's voice rings out on the local radio station that plays Christmas music 24-7 from Labor Day to March 31st ("KOSI 101, Home for the Hollllllllidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyssssss"), like a sassy version of the Ghost of Christmas Past. Yes, despite my best efforts to maintain Halloween year round, it appears that I can't stop Christmas from coming. Which seems odd, since it's a balmy 59 degrees here in Colorful Colorado right now.
My mom recently came to visit (or rather to be forced into the kitchen as Thanksgiving slave labor). The day after Thanksgiving, my dear husband (who LOVES said local radio station) was making a delightful breakfast of pannycakes and whistling along to the Pointer Sisters "All I Want for Christmas is Yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuu!" I must have been visibly cringing and frowning because my Mom commented to our girls (but mostly to me), cheerfully, "Oh, girls! You're mother will get over being a Grinch yet!"
http://science.howstuffworks.com/environmental/life/botany/question283.htm
Then add a chocolate cupcake.
Anyway, I just deteeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssst the mass commercialism. Not to mention the self-induced holiday stress. Aaron's birthday is the 14th of December. Christmas is the 25th. Mine is the 27th. By the time mine rolls around I want to get on my bike and ride myself someplace warm and sunny...however long it takes to get there-...with a bottle of red and white wine in my water bottle cages. My family is welcome to tag along, but...it's not entirely necessary and if they can't keep up...well, so be it.
*Obviously I've put a lot of thought into this scenario each and every year.
I'd say many of us mommies feel this way. Unless you are playing for the other team. The team that is responsible for 99% of the stress. Hanging lights after Halloween, setting impossibly ridiculous standards for classroom parties as the dreaded tyrant "Room Mom", baking cookies who's heads stay on when you fashionably ice them, sending out the perfect cards...on time, the annoying list goes on and on.
Those kind of women. You know who you are. We are most likely not good friends, but I appreciate your efforts. Sometimes.
Anyway, I was juussst getting a taste of all this the night I was shopping for Thanksgiving dinner preparations. I was frustrated at all the cinnamon, spice and everything nice being thrown at me TWO DAYS BEFORE THANKSGIVING in the stores. But then a blessing. Something to truly be thankful for. I arrived home and started unloading the groceries and there on the counter, Aaron had left me the mail before going to bed. Yes, there it was. Right on top.
The December edition of Athleta.
Oh, joy of joys. Some of you know of the merriment I take when shredding the pretentious descriptions of catalogs page by precious page. For example, I don't get J Crew, but recently a friend posted a pic from the page and threw me the challenge of writing it's caption on facebook. I immediately dropped everything and responded with glee.
"For the Jackie O girl who's on the go in Colorado: get ready to walk around, carrying skis that clearly don't fit you in a diva-like state. Our Glittens allow you to experience the joys of frostbitten fingers while looking quite savvy for a mere $30. But it doesn't stop there. Are you tired of your bulky ski coat warming you up and protecting you adequately on the slopes? We are too! Freeze your ASS off with our sassy tweed ski-coat. Priced a little bit naughty but a little bit nice at $198. And finally. In order to really walk around like you've never even BEEN to Colorful Colorado, squeeze yourself into what we promise will be the least comfortable pants you'll ever own: our Pixie Jodhpurs for $148. Add up this lovely ensemble (not including the socks) and you could have bought a ski pass, my sassy, ridiculous friend! But then again, the plan was never to ski in the FIRST place, now was it! (Hand over mouth as you giggle seductively)."
My favorites are overpriced items with ridiculous backgrounds. The more expensive, outlandish and preposterous, the better. Athleta is by far my favorite to chastise (which is funny since my favorite wardrobe pieces are actually from Athleta--on clearance of course).
December is coming soon. Today when Aaron gets back from his ride, we are...digging out the Christmas decorations. I will do my best to fight the plump-pear-bottomed Grinch that resides on one shoulder. I'm going to try and pay more attention his doe-eyed, side-kick pup, Max who sits on the other.
Therefore, I'd better energize myself. Let the rant begin...
Page 5. Powder Jean $328
Because everyone wants to look their finest when they are holding Yoga poses on the slopes...in jeans. "Seven pockets to shash your stuff". Crimany. That's a lot of stuff. They make it sound like I'm going to be out there more than 1.2 hours (which is about all our family can take).
Page 8. Stoked Sweater $98
Raise your hand if you've ever felt under-dressed when you're getting dropped off on the slopes by helicopter! Me! Me! This "fun jacquard print" will solve that straight-away!
Page 11. Cabin Fever, a combined outfit for a mere $346
If you've been "off the grid" for a touch too long, ordered a crap-load of overpriced items, got in a fight with your husband over it when he voiced concern and then took a shovel to his head, you'll need this sleek, yet warm outfit when you carry his body from the cabin and proceed to bury it in a snowbank! *Shovel is temporarily out of stock.
Page 16. Sleigh Ride! From head to toe:
-Pistil Parker Cap $34
-Sequoia Tunic $128
-Knit Denim Slim Trek Pant $89
-Olukai Kalia Boot $250
Total: $501
This skinny-leg pant will stand up to the challenge of you hopping on your horse and riding away from the creditors that will surely be chasing you come December 26th!
Page 32. Weekender Maxi $108
Seriously. Can we let the Maxi-craze just wither out and die like it's supposed to? "All in one outfits" sounds a lot like the phrase, "Giving up". And again, if it's not entirely flattering on the Athleta model, I shudder to think how this would look on the average woman. Not pretty. Not pretty at. All. I can look frumpy for a lot less than $108.
Page 36. Amani Sweater $118
Upon completing your $20 Hatha Yoga class, don't get chilled while you meticulously roll up your bolster in a perfect lunge. This "open wrap sweater with a handkerchief hem" will definitely one-up that other suburban mom who thinks she's "all that". And if it doesn't, then you can take it off and hog-tie her in the back room where they store the extra mats and leave her for dead.
Page 47. Cocoon Cozy Sweater $98
Perfect ff you're that other suburban mom who thinks she's "all that". When you find yourself hog-tied in the back room, you can thank us for being quite cozy in your cocoon within a cocoon!
Page 53. Tinker Tank and Kickbooty Pant $52 $79
When you feel like throwing your hands up in the air and screaming, "All RIGHT! YOU WIN, Bastards!!!!", do it in STYLE! Your yoga class will forgive you if you do it with just the right print. Might we suggest "Port Wine" (on model)?
Page 66. Bindi Layer Tank $64
If this picture appeals to you, you clearly do not have enough to do. Perhaps you should sign up to be the head "room mom" of your child's 2nd grade class! You can assign the other moms ridiculous craft/game ideas for the upcoming holiday party with plenty of support.
*Stand not included.
Page 70. Wind Warrior Tight $98
As a mom on the go, you won't even have to worry about the incontinence birthing 2+ kids surely gave you. Put our stretchy, wicking, Velocitek fabric to the test! If you'd like to venture out to hurdle some rustic fences, go for it! When you pee these pants, their breathable CoolMax crotch gusset will quickly dry and be begging for more!
Page 81. Snow Stomping Good Time!
Smartwool Cuffed Beanie, $28
-Seamless Twist Hoodie, $89
-Snow Stomper Skirt, $89
-Seamless Twist Tight, $54
-Sorel Joan of Arctic Boot $150
Total: $400
Your hair too, can blow with reckless abandon as you shove the snowshoes you don't know how to wear in a stranger's old hollowed out kayak. Your thighs will be flashy, fun and chafe-free thanks to our next-to-skin-fit and mid-rise tights. The mini-skirt is bafflingly bulk-free so you can run away in style from the strange, old, creepy, woodsy guy who resides in the cabin just over your shoulder--your shoulder that's encased in anti-odor Meryl Skinlife, of course, for supreme performance!
Page 89. Snowplow Sweater $118
Even your DOG will be impressed and more than a little jealous when you sport our classic zip-front, snow-flake-motif sweater on your ru-hu-huns! (superior giggle). She'll WISH she had real arms and legs and not four legs so she could sport those raglan sleeves for mobility! Sorry, Layla. You have 4 legs and our sweaters don't fit you!!!!!
Okay. That fully gave me my fix.
We can rock this merry season, my Grinch sisters and brothers. Let us not give into the ridiculous notion of commercialism but find a healthy balance that will keep the magic alive for our kids and ourselves. I don't know, maybe don YOUR snowflake sweater and go frolic about. And I challenge you to do it without the hefty power-stretch, polartec, merino-wool price-tag.
